In line with my new year resolutions for this year (I also touched some the past few years), I’ve always wanted to give more.
I know it sounds easy, but it also contradicts the very nature of us, self-preservation. I wasn’t brought up with a silver spoon, so I sometimes fall into the pattern of thinking of myself more than of others. I know that’s a generalisation; not all who grew up poor are misers.
Last year taught me a great deal about kindness and of giving.
And it’s only in 2021 that I’m slowly starting to appreciate the joy of giving without expecting anything in return.
I’ve had so much kindness being bestowed to me, from being offered a place to stay to being taken on all-expense-paid trips.
I’ve had hands being lent to me when I was at my lowest travel moments where I felt most vulnerable, like when I was withheld for 24 hours in Tokyo because I was travelling on an expired visa, or when I was withheld for 11 hours in LA’s airport and subject to intense questioning, to when my most important life-and-death valuables were stolen from my very side when I was sleeping in Playa Del Carmen.
It surely made me feel question what I did to deserve any of this kindness. I constantly ask myself how these angels fell from the sky into my lives. Literally. When people ask me how I came to know them, they’ll be surprised at the unlikeliest answers I have, such as:
- through being a fan on my Instagram
- through me fan-girling them on Instagram and plucking the courage to message them
- through a chance meeting at a gym in a hotel in Cape Town
- through online communities
- through friends of friends
That, and I went on an unplanned mindset therapy podcast talk with Aimee. Her podcast is called Next Level Success. Through talking to her about my struggles and what I wanted to achieve, she brought to light what I never noticed about myself, aspects that I’ve been negligent about.
She’s shown me that in order for me to have my version of “success”, I should be coming from a place of genuine help than out of a motive.
I’ll admit I’ve not been the most generous of persons. Admittedly, I’ve accepted more offers than I’ve given out to the universe. I (might’ve) burned some bridges by counting one too many pennies.
This is why something stirred in me this 2021 that the old Isabel would never ever have done had she been in her own Singapore bubble working from the closed space (mentally and physically) of her study room.
She’d never have opened herself to vulnerability, and seen how kindness flows in like water flowing through a leak in a pipe. She’d never have said yes to the maybes.
And so she decided to pay it forward.
Beginning with flying over and housing a quickly-made best friend from her visit to Costa Rica. More than the monetary costs involved, he has been an invaluable help as a work assistant, been the best companion anyone can ask for (after all, how often can I say I can be 100% unapologetically me in another’s presence? I can’t even say I’m a 100% me when I’m back home living with my family) and makes me eat proper food when I get lazy cooking. Above all, he gives me the courage and the motivation to do what I wouldn’t do – live on my own in a foreign country, in Mexico no less, and surf.
Despite the unfortunate events that made me feel like life’s playing a mean prank on me by rudely taking away from me what I hold dearest, instead of dwelling on the negative, I choose to focus on the light. The lessons learned. I chose to harness the strength within me, to focus on possibilities.
Later in my time in Oaxaca, I also found myself more willing to give. Where I used to think that information should be withheld until fairly compensated, I’m now holding back less with what I know and freely sharing more of my lessons learned from experience.
Not only has that garnered me respect and authority, but there’s also a certain joy in knowing that someone else’s life was touched because of the goodness you’ve let out into the world.
Having to work from a young age, I’ve learned the value of hard-earned cash. I’ve become very thrifty with money growing up, making sure every purchase is justified and never finding it in me to pamper myself.
With more propensity to spend now and living expenses to account for, I’m slowly letting go of having to have every cent accounted for, and getting back every bang for the buck. (Also, your girl’s way too old for hostels.)
While budgeting is a good habit (I still do my monthly expenses diligently!), not accounting for every penny has allowed me to feel less unjust or uptight about the outflow of cash.
On that note of giving myself more leeway and room to indulge, I’ve found myself being kinder to myself and to others. While I’d berate myself for being complacent enough to trust strangers (to the point of getting my valuables stolen), I don’t beat myself up when some notes flew out of my pocket when I went jogging.
Letting go is hard when you’re used to being in control and the way things are, but reminding myself that life is but ephemeral and the only thing in life worth pursuing is happiness.
And that comes from giving from a place of the heart than from the mind.
The result of all that is feeling lighter, kinder and happier knowing that my actions are helping someone else ease their workload, or that they’re able to live a life that’s closer to their potential.
Through it all, I’ve noticed how a ripple effect is forming. It’s true what they say, that kindness begets kindness.
Only when I started opening my heart did I allow more to be let in. I never realized how much more I was capable of receiving until I gave myself away.
